Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Smashing the Boulder

As mentioned in my last post, I haven’t been able to blog or write or do much of anything due to the fact that my computer is on its way to the big computer lab in the sky. I’m not gonna lie, it’s been rather discouraging. (I can't stand the fact that I didn't finish the 15 habits challenge). Ever since I took the step of faith to commit to writing, opposition has come from all over and the simplest of tasks have become ever so complicated. The frustration was great on some days but I knew I couldn’t give up because there’s just been way too many confirmations to turn around. I was just about ready to bust out my notepad and go old skool with this endeavor…

God is so faithful. An amazing friend who has been incredibly supportive along this journey offered to lend me her laptop so I can get these chapters finished up prior to the She Speaks conference. It’s wild. Even if when I wanted to try and walk away from this whole writing thing, I couldn’t. God keeps making provisions in the eleventh hour. Talk about confirmation.
This has been the craziest roller coaster. Seriously. One moment, my heart is jumping for joy because I know the Lord has gone before me and opened amazing doors of opportunity to walk through. The next moment, I’m stressed out with writers block, frustrated about being on a broke (for now) faith journey, and annoyed to be in these circumstances. Deep down I am grateful but in all honesty, there are days I just wish I could work a regular 9-5 and live a ‘normal’ life. But we all know that there’s no such thing as normal (and if there was, I certainly wouldn’t find myself in that category!).

I gotta tell you, there’s been a lot of stuff coming up in this process. Gross, ugly stuff. Aside from the attacks of sickness, busted technology, and condemning lies that the enemy whispers in my ear (from situations even 20+ years ago), I’m processing all the not-so-lovely dross that the Lord is bringing to the surface. That’s always a bucket of fun. Especially when it's stuff that I thought I'd dealt with already. Yet here I am, facing the big ol’ familiar boulder of fear that has rolled its way in front of my path way too many times already. I cannot move it out of the way in my own strength. It’s gigantic. I’ve cried to the Lord, “Help my unbelief,” because I desperately need faith to arise in me so I can tell this mountain of fear to be moved.
I remembered reading about a boulder in 2 Peter awhile ago in the Message and went back to it…
Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you'll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God. The Scriptures provide precedent:
Look! I'm setting a stone in Zion, a cornerstone in the place of honor. Whoever trusts in this stone as a foundation will never have cause to regret it.
To you who trust him, he's a Stone to be proud of, but to those who refuse to trust him, The stone the workmen threw out is now the chief foundation stone. For the untrusting it's .. . a stone to trip over, a boulder blocking the way. They trip and fall because they refuse to obey, just as predicted.
But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you
—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.

All I could think while reading this passage was a combination of “Ouch!” and “Amen!”
Can I confess something to you all? I think the fear that comes upon me is an attack of fear of complete and total surrender. If I were listening to you tell me these words, I’d tell you to trust the Lord, let go, and rely on His Holy Spirit. And I would say how awesome it is that He wants to use you as His vessel. But for some reason, the unknown territory where the Holy Spirit is leading me freaks me out. And I know it’s stupid to think that way because God is a loving Father and never leads His children by confusion or anxiety – only peace. I know without a doubt that I belong to God and that He has chosen me be an instrument to tell others of the night-and-day difference He’s made for me and for others. There are moments I find such freedom in that but there are also times when I go into bunker mode or I feel frozen with fear. God revealed to me this week that the boulder is still sitting right on top of me and my unwillingness to let go will lead to it squashing me. I don’t want to live that way. I want my life to be one that is willing, that brings God glory and encourages others in Him.

So I share all this, not to complain but, to keep it real. The time has come for the recurring boulder of fear to be smashed by the hammer of God’s Word once and for all. Please keep me in prayer. Praying for all of you...

pressing on toward the goal,

1 comment:

Diana Denis said...

So glad to have you back and so grateful for a friend that would bless you in this way!

I hear your heart and will be praying for you. Trusting that He will meet you because you have asked and because He is faithful! Here's the thing about boulders...they don't stand a chance against the Word of God so keep reading, keep allowing the Holy Spirit to encourage you and keep pressing on!

Here's one of my favorite verses:
Jeremiah 23:29
NLT: Does not my word burn like fire?” says the Lord. “Is it not like a mighty hammer that smashes a rock to pieces?

Message: Nothing else is like God's Decree. Isn't my Message like fire?" God's Decree. "Isn't it like a sledgehammer busting a rock?